The Freddy Will Blog

    Never Ignoring the Original Truth

    Helen of Sparta, the most beautiful woman in the world, is a product of bestiality. According to legend, the God of gods, Zeus, decided that he wanted some human nookie from a Spartan Queen known as Leda. Instead of taking the form of a well-hung Mandingo stallion, he went with the swan option. Lo and behold, when this divine bird smashed the king’s wife, she got pregnant and laid a bunch of eggs. When the eggs hatched, one of them was a girl whom they decided to name Helen. She and her siblings are quasi-divine. Somewhere on the other side of the map, Hecuba, the Queen of Troy gave birth to a son whom they call Alexander. After his birth, they decided he’s cursed and cast him out of their mist.

    Growing up as a goatherder, the simp, Alexander now renamed Paris, received the option to choose between wealth, courage, or beauty, and the cursed goatherder decided on beauty. He didn’t want to become more precious than the royal family that cast him out. He did not desire to be the strongest warrior who ever lived. Neh, seeking Aphrodite’s influence, Paris, formally known as Alexander, opted for the baddest chick in the game. Guess who? Helen, the half-human half goddess/swan. Apparently, the best way to show your love for the baddest chick in the game is to kidnap her. And if you wanna show her kidnapper that you love her even more than him, you’d march an army out there and duke it out.

    He was like, fuck that shit, Aphrodite is not gifting my woman to that ass licker.”

    By the time Helen was twelve years old, they had already fought one war over her when Theseus, believing he is a god, kidnapped her. When they brought her back, the wealthiest Greek men lined up to shower her with gifts as they hoped to marry her. Throw that dice homie! Fast forward. The child bride ends up marrying king Menelaus, who turned out to be the biggest murderer on the block. While Menelaus enjoyed his prize bride, guess what? Paris reunites with his royal family, and regains his status as Prince of Troy, just when Aphrodite grants him his choice of the baddest chick in the game. That bad chick happened to be none other than Helen, the prize bride of the psychopathic Spartan king, Menelaus.

    As Troy was the bedrock of international trade and diplomacy, Prince Paris went on a diplomatic mission to Sparta. He met Helen, they lusted after each other and Paris decided to steal her from Menelaus. Unfortunately, Menelaus King Konged a thousand ships to wage a ten-year war to get her back. He was like, fuck that shit, Aphrodite is not gifting my woman to that ass licker. Menelaus wins! He slaughters his way into Troy, burned down the whole city, and wiped it out of existence. He snatched his girl up and skidded right back to Sparta… Soooo, what happened afterward? After all that trouble, how does the love story between Helen and Menelaus end? Did Helen have children? Did she grow old?

    Many pundits regard her as “Helen of Troy” except maybe wrongfully so, I presume Helen is of Sparta. She only lived in Troy for a decade. Remember, at birth, assuming he is cursed, Paris’ family got rid of him. Languishing as a goatherder, he passed his time seducing the lonely wives of the local merchants. During that time he met his girlfriend or what some say is his first wife, the nymph Oenone. Ever the charmer, Paris swept her off her feet. Despite that, when he regained his status as a Prince of Troy, he abandoned his girlfriend back in the goat-herding village. He had been pound driving her for a minute, had her gassed up thinking he was gone be her man forever. Instead, he went after Helen.

    She despised how Paris dropped her like a bad habit and flat out declined.”

    Interestingly, his ex-girlfriend/wife was also a gifted healer. She was not just a goatherder’s daughter. There was a reputation for her healing powers. According to the tale, Paris became a casualty of the Trojan War. Years after running off with the charming Prince of Troy, Helen fell out of love when she realized he was a “Notso.” As the drama unfolded, he became known for one who ran away from the fight. Helen regretted leaving her husband and grew to admire his determination to get her back. As soon as Hector saw his doom, Paris had no one to hide under. This meant that he had to manage his own affairs, which did not end well for him. Philoctetes mortally wounded him with a shot to the right eye.

    When Paris became gravely injured, Helen tried to save his life. She initially went to Troy for love but now she felt like their hostage. Although she no longer loved Paris, the Trojans refused to grant her wish to return to Menelaus. As fate would have it, just like everyone expected, with no Hector to watch his back, Philoctetes mortally injured Paris with three poisoned arrows. Helen decided to take him to his old goat farm to beg his ex-girlfriend/wife to help save Paris’s life. According to the story, the bitterly scorned former bae said, fuck no. She despised how Paris dropped her like a bad habit and flat out declined. Lacking the treatment, Paris died of the injuries. Once he died, the ex suddenly regretted it.

    During his cremation, the scorned bae threw herself in the fire, killing herself. But that was not it for Helen. Paris’s other brother, Deiphobus, quickly stepped in and married her, making it impossible to return to Menelaus. Helen wanted to get the fuck out of Troy at this point. So she betrayed Deiphobus by selling him out to Menelaus, who was not gonna leave Troy without her. We all know what happened next. After winning the war, Menelaus shited all over Troy and took Helen back to Greece. Interestingly, she finally accepted his love. They became a happy couple and started a family. They even had several children. Menelaus, however, had older children from a previous marriage.

    Helen and Menelaus’ “happily ever after” came to an end when he died. Upon Menelaus’ death, Helen came to find out that she had many haters. Once dead, Menelaus’s older children ran Helen out of town. Menelaus was a very wealthy and powerful husband, but after his death, his sons took power, deprived Helen of any inheritance, and tried to have her assassinated. She had to flee Sparta. My guess is that Menelaus had not wholly forgiven Helen for running off with Paris. For what it’s worth, the city of Troy was an essential ally of Greece. Not to mention the enormous cost that went into getting Helen back. Even as it took the lives of many legends, that Trojan War must have had a massive price tag.

    Either way, they dedicated temples, took vacations, and built statues, complete with her own festival.”

    I’d assume that according to the details from this tale, Menelaus neglected to solidify Helen’s position after his death. He may not have put her in the will or given her a path to succeed him on the throne. Fleeing from death, Helen the widow, in old age, thought she could live in Rhodes for the rest of her days. However, Rhodes was ruled by a widow named Polyxo, whose husband, King Tlepolemus, was killed in the Trojan War. Polyxo blamed Helen for her husband’s death. Apparently, when Helen walked away with Paris decades earlier, the Greek women called her a slut. Then, of course, she had been married several times, even in Troy, before her husband Menelaus returned her to Greece.

    With no Menelaus to protect her, all the women who lost husbands or sons in the war blamed Helen for their loss. When she escaped from her step-sons to take refuge in Rhodes, Queen Polyxo strung her up and killed her by hanging. That was not Helen’s end. After her death, for centuries to come, subsequent generations worshiped her as a goddess of trees. I assume Queen Polyxo hung Helen from a tree? Either way, they dedicated temples, took vacations, and built statues, complete with her own religion and festival. Helen became Dendritis, the tree goddess. She was remembered as the most beautiful woman. Her legacy is that she was the reason for the Trojan War.*

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